PDA & Demand Avoidance

If you’ve ever felt your stomach drop when someone asks you to do something — even something simple, even something you actually want to do — you might recognise what we’re talking about here.

PDA stands for Pathological Demand Avoidance, though honestly, many of us aren’t fans of that name. The word “pathological” makes it sound like something’s wrong with you, when really it’s just describing how your nervous system responds to pressure.

That’s why a lot of people prefer to call it demand avoidance or even Persistent Drive for Autonomy. Much kinder, don’t you think?

Here’s what it actually feels like: when someone makes a request or sets an expectation, your brain hits a panic button. Even if the thing itself isn’t scary, the feeling of having no choice can be overwhelming. You might find yourself:

• Saying no automatically, before you’ve even thought about it
• Making jokes or changing the subject to avoid the task
• Feeling physically unwell at the thought of doing what’s asked
• Getting upset or shutting down entirely
• Needing to negotiate or find a different way to do things

And here’s the thing that’s so important to understand — this isn’t you being difficult or lazy. Your nervous system is genuinely responding to what feels like a threat to your autonomy. It’s actually a pretty understandable response when you think about it.

This experience is particularly common among autistic people, but it can happen to anyone whose brain is wired to be sensitive to control and choice.

The good news? Once you understand what’s happening, you can start working with it instead of against it. Things like offering choices, reducing time pressure, or approaching requests as invitations rather than demands can make all the difference.

Your need for autonomy isn’t a flaw — it’s just how you’re built. And that’s completely okay.